I was stood up this past weekend on a first date.

I had jumped back on an internet dating site to start engaging in conversation with men in an area I find myself working in frequently. Why not, right? Online dating has become something of a trash heap, in my opinion, which I think is far from what it was intended to be in the beginning. I had given it one last chance before I decided to walk away from it forever, and if anything, it gave me practice on honing my ability to picking out guys who were serious and who were just there to net a bird, so to speak.

So, I started talking to…let’s call him Jack…and we exchanged numbers. Then, he disappeared. No problem, right? Right. Last week he surfaced and suddenly wanted to meet for a date.

Now, I’m a smart girl. Why? Because I’m a Bad Girl who Finishes First! Knowing that slowing a guy down, or creating interference of him getting what he wants quickly, is the best way to see how serious his interest is AND find out if will he be bad enough to respect the pace you set. Keep him on the edge and continue to move him forward is what I decided to do.

We chatted and set a date for the next day, but left a few details hanging, like where to meet and what exactly to do. Then…nothing the next day. No call as agreed upon, no text, no e-mail…not even a pigeon with a note tied to its ankle. Nothing.

Rude? Yes. Was I worried? Nope…he’s a big boy. He can take care of himself and know how to dial 911 if he lands in a ditch on the side of the road somewhere. Was I mad? Nope…I got my Saturday night back, got stuff done around the house, met up with a friend I haven't seen in a while and watched a cool movie. Did I call him all sorts of obscenities on Facebook? Nope. Did I worry and start to justify his reason for not calling, like is it me or what did I say? Nope…remember…Bad Girl.

If you've read some of my posts in the past, in specific “Long Distance Lovahs” and “Have Your Say”, I preach that in the absence of information, people make stuff up. We have an innate desire to create a reason WHY something happened or didn't happen without having any information to go on. One of my oldest habits I had to break was making excuses for men when they did something that wasn't on the up and up, hiding the truth from me, or stood me up. I was a door mat allowing for enough patients and “understanding” to open myself up to be walked on again.

So, Jack actually did text me late Sunday to explain that he had a blow out, with no apology for missing our date. I've changed my share of tires before and know that it doesn't consume 32 hours of my life to handle the situation. So when he texted several times on Monday, what did I do…absolutely nothing.

So I leave you with this thought…don’t make excuses for him. You can’t put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase.

Brenda
~Bad Girl in Full~

Check out what I’m up to at
www.badgirlkine.com
and follow me on Facebook (Bad Girl Kine Jewelry), Twitter (BadGirlKine), and Pinterest

I’ve spent a little time on dating websites over the past few years and it never amazes me what I find. I preface this by saying that where I live, there are more women than men, and in my age category, dating is very difficult. Many guys in their late 30’s through their 40’s have already been in long term relationships that have lasted for years, have gone through difficult divorces, and have raised their children. They are really interested in freedom, doing guy stuff, making guy noises, and not looking for a relationship (but their profiles always say they are).

I learned quickly how to judge a book by its cover, and weed out the ones that were not on the same plain as I felt I was. Yes, it’s critical, yes, it objectifies a person, and yes, women bitch to men about doing the same thing. But when you are in the process of meeting a total stranger through a venue that is not the norm in forming relationships and weakens our interpersonal abilities, you need to exercise caution and sound judgment.

For fun, I put together some helpful and amusing guidelines for women who are using online dating sites to meet potential dates.

He’s a strong possibility when…

1. He has a clear head shot and a full body shot; is trim, fit, and furnishes a genuine smile

2. His pictures are of him engaged in some sort of outdoor activity

3. His pictures are him posing from various places around the world (exception: when he’s not in the military, wearing Kevlar, and holding a automatic rifle in a ready stance somewhere in a desert)

4. His teeth are white and cared for

5. When he’s wearing a suit or is dressed well

Buyer beware when…

1. He posts pictures of his children or parents

2. When the profile picture features him with his buddies and you don’t know which one he is

3. Every picture is of him with his shirt off posing in his bathroom

4. When you can’t tell if the young twenty-something girl in the photo is his daughter, niece, or a hookup

5. When his picture looks like it’s a head shot from a modeling agency

Run!

1. All his pictures have other women posing with him in every photo

2. None of his pictures are of him, but are of his various collections of pets, cars, motorcycles, professional wrestlers, vacation destinations, fish he’s caught, Monster trucks, sunsets, and NASCAR races.

3. He uses his driver’s license picture on his profile

4. He’s completely naked ~ full Monty

5. When he has a stuffed mountain lion mounted to his wall

Brenda ~Bad Girl in Full~

Check out what I’m up to at
www.badgirlkine.com
and follow me on Facebook (Bad Girl Kine), Twitter (BadGirlKine), and Pinterest

The world is getting smaller...

Take, for example, the microcosm of divorced dating. It would seem that with a divorce rate of 50%, that leaves an enormous amount of people, people you don't already know, in the pool as potential dates. Think again.

I have a friend who is the Don Juan of divorced dating. Just this month he has been on 14 first dates and countless follow-up dates. He has crib notes to keep up with them all. According to him, any time you juggle over 5, you need specific notes...about everything. (I stopped him there. I did not want to know exactly what "everything" he meant.)

When he comes across a new victim potential girlfriend, he calls me and we play a game. He gives me five tidbits of information about the woman, and I guess who it is. I've been correct every time. There are only so many single "blond yoga instructors with a great rack and two sons that play baseball" in this town.

Whether you live in a city or suburbia like me, the reality is, when you enter the dating scene again, it doesn't take long to realize the pool you are swimming in is very, very small...and filled with OLPs. That's Off-Limits Potentials for those of you not familiar.

There are the obvious OLPs:

-A friend's former spouse. Don't do it. Quite honestly if you've ever sat at a table with them and watched her feed him or, more likely, confess to you in the bathroom how she'd secretly like to stick a fork in his jugular, it's too close for comfort.

-The sibling of a friend. Making out with your friend's brother is just icky. If they are twins, it's practically incest.

-Hottie at work. It's best to avoid that awkward moment at the vending machine when he grins at you and you realize it's because he's remembering that time you insisted on doing a drunken impromptu strip tease in your Hello Kitty underwear.

-Anyone that, if things go badly, would cause you to rearrange your entire gym schedule/lunch place/watering hole/hair salon. Do you really want to find a new colorist? I mean, hands down I'll take good color over good...

There are the "gray area" OLPs:

-Former boyfriend of an enemy. Of course it's tempting, but for all the wrong reason. The brief smug satisfaction is not enough to deal with the leftovers of someone you despise. As Reese Bobby so eloquently said in Talladega Nights, "If you ain't first, you're last." Word.

-Produce guy at the grocery. Scabies can be contracted by extended exposure to foreign produce. Random fact I picked up in college. It's a dangerous enough place out there dating. I don't believe it's necessary to open yourself up to another avenue of disease.

-Your best friend's Dad. Don't judge! Some of us are partial to older men, ok? But having your best friend call you "Mom" is a power trip that's only amusing until her kids start calling you "Grammie"

-Someone that has access to your medical chart. Let's be honest. There's a lot of embarrassing shit in your medical chart. Remember that whole irritable bowl thing you had going on in '07?

And then there are "why do I have such an effing moral compass?" OLPs. Which, of course, is where I personally always get screwed.

Or don't. Depending on how you look at it...

Someone wanted to set me up with a "great guy". (Ever notice how no one wants to set you up with a mother fucker?)

In what has become the modern day vetting process, I stalked his Facebook. We had mutual friends. Wait, we had a mutual friend that happened to be a former FWB. Yep. Potential, is friends with former FWB. This is not good...

I decided this information morally required my due diligence.

I texted former FWB:

Me: Hey, miss you! Hope your Holidays are going well. Someone wants to set me up with this guy ___________ (aka "Potential Awesomeness") and I saw you were friends on FB. In fact, I think I even remember you mentioning him before. You guys tight?

FFWB: My best friend since 10th grade. Awesome guy. Go on a date and see if you like him more than you liked me.

FFWB: Wait, that didn't come out right. Couldn't be happier...love you both...miss you. xx

Me: (realizing that the first text was truth & the 2nd was spin, I carefully constructed my reply while I kicked myself for forgetting the golden rule- forgo permission and ask for forgiveness later.)

No, no. Definitely would not do that. I mean, we haven't seen each other in 6mths and he's been your friend 20 years.

FFWB: Good answer.

Me: (Clearly Potential was now off-limits. Time to re-strategize.)

Hey, come to think of it, why haven't we hung out in 6 months?

FFWB: I tried. Many times. Gave up after that. You would rather make love to your keyboard.

Me: (Perhaps I could salvage something out of this) Awww, don't say that. Seriously, let's fix that. When do you want to hang out?

FFWB: I'm seeing someone now, but I do think of you, doll. xx

And that's how a base hit becomes a double play. Outs on first and home...

That's what you get for not returning my calls. I strategically blocked the Potential runner at first and then, just for my own enjoyment, made sure you would never score on me again.

So what do you do when you realize that: Of that 50% of the divorcing population, 48% is, for all the reasons listed above, ineligible?

You campaign really hard for the 2%.

Online dating. I've said it in every interview and countless times in my column. Anyone who is single and does not have an online dating profile is taking 20% of their opportunity to find love and throwing it in the trash. That's right. One in five couples met online, and the numbers are steadily increasing. We are a society of over scheduled, time-starved individuals. In the time it would take you to order a drink at the bar you can siphon through a cadre of individuals on a dating site that can filter every whim you desire in a partner. Stop being ridiculous and try it.

It's not for losers. I certainly am not a loser. I am someone who maximizes every second of my time, and there is no better time saver than online dating.

Shameless self-promoting. Unless you tell people you are single and interested in meeting someone they won't know. For example, we had a male stripper entertain for my girlfriend's 45th birthday. After he left my girlfriend quipped about how many times I mentioned I was single. My response? "Ummm, yeah. Strippers have single friends too, you know."

Self-promote. 24/7. You are a walking billboard of singleness until you are not. Be Shameless.

Give up the hermit lifestyle. If I had it my way, I would stay home every night in my footie pajamas. But eventually you will want to share the Cherry Garcia with someone you love. You must get out there. I know it's hard, but just do it.

If you don't, this is your future...

"I know! I can't believe she got a rose! Bitch!"

Just say NO to the Snuggie.

-angela

There isn't anything on this planet that gets a girl's gulie going that the prospect of a new guy. The infatuation is intoxicating, the game is on, and if you're smart, you're always one step ahead of him as he makes chase.

Long distance lovahs are especially fun and to be successful, you need to know how to use distance your advantage.

How?

1. His reach to you is limited - meaning  that he is only able to really enjoy 100% of you when your in close proximity. This makes the anticipation even stronger if he really is in to you.

2. It becomes quality over quantity - he values the amount of time you spend together, that desire increases, and the hours become a hot commodity; not something worth trading for easily.

3. Your adventures are time bound - producing tangible moments where both of you only experience the best in each other.

Of course with the steamy comes the smokey. Avoid the pitfalls of long distance romance by:

1. Realizing that your adventures ARE time bound. If either of you weren't already planning on already moving closer in proximity when you started spending time together, then this will be an obstacle you won't be able to avoid or maneuver around. Enjoy the time you spend with him, DON'T plan for the future, and keep it real.

2. You don't get to see all sides of him. Like you, he's putting his best fun foot forward and you aren't experiencing the realities of his world, nor he yours. You are both an escape from the demands of life, so just enjoy it!

3. In the absence of information, people make stuff up. When you don't hear from him, watch how you start thinking because you could fall into that trap of "guessing" why he's gone silent (if only for a few hours) or start to experience a serious void, which means you're getting too attached. The distance will start to work against you & he'll sense it from miles away.

Steve always says, "there's a seat for every ass." If you find your seat, or your ass...however you want to look at it...then this honestly is the exception rather than the rule. Relationships come into play under millions of circumstances and if your long distance lovah becomes your committed lover, then that is an awesome and rare gift!

If you have to call it quits, then do it cleanly. Tell him you had a lot of fun, he's awesome in bed, but it's time to keep it real. More than likely he'll still regard you fondly and you'll often occupy his drifting thoughts. Don't be bashful on leaving your options open to spend time together in the future, but fallback and let people wonder what's behind that daydreaming smile of yours.

Brenda ~Bad Girl in Full~
Check out what I’m up to at www.badgirlkine.com
and follow me on Facebook (Bad Girl Kine), Twitter (BadGirlKine), and Pinterest

A really great read!

I read Steve’s The MANual last year and really see the Code of Honor book as a companion to his initial work; not only in the realm of dating and relationships, but with the most important relationship of all, the one with myself. Steve continues on in his efforts to help identify 10 solid practices, life focus points, or codes as he refers to them, that have significant impact in everyone’s life. To carry this one step further, he not only identifies these codes for women (who are his audience in The MANual), but he reaches out using the same codes for men as well.

After reading both books for men and women, I feel that I have a stronger understanding of each gender’s perspective on critical areas in our life that we all react to. Each code is an aspect of life that we as men and women have to manage, but in our own unique way, which is driven in our genetic code. To believe that men and women respond to life stimuli similarly is a mistake. The Code of Honor helps put these notions in perspective and encourages mindfulness in how we can impact our lives in our continued discovery of true happiness…and then we can go play and be bad!

Invest in yourself and grab your copy of the Code of Honor today!!! Oh, and if you don’t already have it, pick up The MANual as well. NOW go play and be bad!!

One sleepless night this past week, I was laying in bed surfing Twitter and cracked up at the things people post. Humor is such an important component in a relationship. We have to laugh in this world (and sometime the people in it). This time I thought I would post some of the funniest things I found under a few hash tags…and of course I had to research #badgirl as a gentle reminder for myself ;).

#baddate…

“If we don’t win, I’m not taking you home!”

“Waiter, separate checks please”

“Maybe he thought it would be romantic for you two to jump off the bridge together!”

#dating…

“Person I’m dating sends text without smiley face. Oh God, they’re gonna leave me.”

“My boyfriend is going to be so excited to find out that I exist and we’re dating.”

“Pumpkin, you’re dating a tumbling, tumbling dickweed. I’m talking to you.”

“I’m at that age where I need to choose between settling down with whoever I’m dating now or become a cat person.”

“Why don’t you have a pic on your dating profile? Are you a ghost? A zombie? ARE YOU THE INVISIBLE MAN? SHOW YOUR FACE SO I KNOW YOU’RE REAL”

“Dear Craig’s List, thanks for all the dating propositions and lingereie-pic riddled emails…but I JUST want to sell my couch.”

“Benefits of dating me: 1. You’ll be dating me. 2. Refer to number one. I would continue, but I feel as if my point was proven.”

“If’ you’re dating a #Cancer, become friends with their mother. You will gain points.”

“I’ve heard a rumor we’re dating…are we?”

“Here’s a dating tip for you guys. Women don’t like when you fart in their mouths. No, you cannot ask how I know this.”

“Twitter is good for dating in the same way One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest is a romantic comedy.”

“As a general rule, if I make up a song about you and we’re dating, you have to love it even if it’s just ‘nacho man’ instead of ‘macho man’.”

“Dating is just an elaborate catch and release program.”

“Oh you’re dating my ex already? I thought the 5 second rule only applied for food.”

“Sometimes dating is smooth sailing; other times you’re caught in an undertow.”

“Gentlemen. More dating tips. Never say to a girl, “My – you have a handsome quim.” (I had to look it up too)

“What do you mean we aren’t dating? You called me cute.”

“I noticed you were getting spam from dating sites, so I changed your password for you.”

“Turns out the most popular dating site in LA is IMDB.”

“These dating sites keep setting me up with weirdoes, then I realize that they match you with people with similar interests.”

“Before Facebook and online dating, I seriously don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of a person in their bathroom.”

“Dating a psycho woman is like dropping the soap in jail. You wish you never made that mistake in the first place!”

“Maybe it’s time I stopped dating guys based on their ability to accurately draw the Stussy logo.”

“Please keep my family safe and healthy. And don’t let the new guy I’m dating find my Twitter page. Amen.”

“Just put my smokes in the same pocket as my vitamins so I’m adding enigmatic to my 6 dating profiles. BRB!”

#badgirl…

“I mean, once you turn bad girl, even a little, can you ever go back to being good?”

“I tried to save a bad boy once, only thing it did was turn me into a bad girl.”

“Bad girl, raised well.”

“There’s nothing like good food, good wine and a bad girl. Can’t wait to get home.”

“My next self improvement goal is to find my inner bad girl since it seems I’ve lost her.” (yes I already sent her to the BBFF website)

“Maybe it’s time to use up those bad girl years I was saving…”

“Insecurity can ruin relationships. Be confident and be your Bad Girl self no matter what!”

Brenda ~Bad Girl in Full~
Check out what I’m up to at www.badgirlkine.com
and follow me on Facebook (Bad Girl Kine), Twitter (BadGirlKine), and Pinterest

All the motivational, positive and supposedly uplifting Facebook status updates won't change the fact that getting dumped sucks. You won't catch me posting bitter break-up quotes or sad messages on my wall inviting people to my self-pity party. As a matter of fact, the only thing anyone will notice is that most of the 'happy couple' photos are gone. Also, for anyone wondering why I don't 'like' their good couples news: I usually unsubscribe from happy couples who like to over share on my newsfeed for an undisclosed period of time.

I'm probably the biggest drama queen the first few days after having my heart ripped out of my chest piece, flattened and stomped on. Most of my relationships didn't last more than a few months, so if I had to be honest, there was no need to make such a big deal. But I would still call my friends and vent for hours like I'm the only one who's ever been douchebagged by a guy.

I can admit that.

Most of the time, my first reaction is to move. It's not a reasonable solution to a broken heart, even if physically moving to a new place seems easier than moving on emotionally and mentally from a bad break-up. And no one wants to stay in the same town as their ex - how awkward and even more hearbreaking to see them move on and having fun without you (unless you move on first). You want them to be miserable and miss you so you know your time together meant something. But I guess four or five months doesn't really add up to much emotional investment - not when it was seemingly one sided.

Three years of loving someone enough to make a commitment, though ... with seven months of that waiting and being the support unit during a deployment (not to mention keeping the legs closed) ... and giving up a house and relocating to another crap-hole-a of a town for the relationship just to get dumped four days into R&R and three days before V-day ... that equals total devastation - at least for this drama queen. That actually grants me extra venting privileges to include an extra two days of sobbing pathetically to all my friends - and possibly his, I don't remember I was drunk - via text, not wanting to get out of bed or shower and even writing a long-winded, self-deprecating blog entry that I'll never post about how it was probably all my fault, all guys are douchebags and that I will NEVER get involved in another relationship again.

Which is just silly. It wasn't my fault and of course I'll date again.

Okay, okay ... not all guys are d-bags. The ones that are - they're only that way until they meet someone whom they don't want to be a douche to - if you're the one getting dumped, then it's not you.

The ex is not a bad guy - not totally. At least he wasn't when I met him and won't be when I'm done feeling hurt (which should be any day now, okay, God? Thanks, for the roller skates when I was, like,11). As a matter of fact, the first year was kind of great. Then, not long after putting a picture of us on Facebook, all six degrees of separation between him and every girl he ever sent a 'dick pic' to, got so much smaller - and my trust issues got so much bigger. I'm not even mad that he broke up with me, because you can't make someone want to be with you. It was just the timing and the way he did it that hurt. It's having to deal with all the emotional shit you feel afterwards that sucks.

But I also feel relieved.

In truth, I felt like I was the only one who wanted things to work, if I had to be honest with myself. It was a lot of hard work to deal with recurring trust and fidelity issues. Hindsight isn't 20/20 and none of us are as stupid as we pretend to be. We just hope that by turning a blind eye and a deaf ear, things will work themselves out in our favor. They won't, even if we are willing to live deaf and blind forever. Unless you have access to a huge bankroll to buy all the pain away. I can see why a lot of celebrity athletes who cheat and treat their chicks like crap don't get left by them. I know that a boob job and shopping spree would probably make me forget a transgression or two - if I could only be that shallow - and if I only had the dollar bills.

In the past, I've humiliated myself by looking for 'closure' as well as trying to convince someone why they shouldn't break up with me. There is no closure except what you give yourself and once you realize that it didn't work because it wasn't supposed to, then you will find it easier to work on getting yourself back together. There is nothing anyone is going to tell you that will make getting dumped make sense or feel better. You can't make someone feel something they don't or make them want to be with you. If it was meant to be, 'this' wouldn't be happening.

I learn something from every ending - usually about myself. I know that there wasn't anything I could do better or different. I'm kind of the perfect girlfriend. It's a true statement. But I've learned that I can be the perfect ex-girlfriend, too. The kind that doesn't try to win someone back, who doesn't techno-stalk the ex - even when a strong memory reminds her of him. The kind of ex who isn't going to try and be friends after it's over because she knows it's just adding insult to injury and the only girls that do that are the ones hoping for a reconciliation that almost NEVER happens. When it's over, it's over. I will also never again spend my boob job fund supporting a guy without a bigger commitment than a domestic partnership. Kidding - I didn't have a boob job fund.

A good friend of mine who went through a similar situation at the same time I did asked me how I can have hope after getting my heart pounded into the pavement. After a little thought, I told her that I just know the person my ex ended up being didn't deserve me ... even if I wanted him to ... and that one day someone will be that person for me.

Plus, bitter doesn't look good on me (or anyone), I am allergic to cats and I won't let myself regret time wasted; because at one point and time, I had what I wanted, regardless of whether it was perfect or not.

Tis’ the season of jerseys, tailgating, bleacher creatures, Mondays full of bragging rights, and the agony of defeat. Rushing the ball is what gets you ahead in the game. Rushing in dating will get you benched in a New York minute.

For many years, I was a habitual rusher. I loved the intensity of meeting someone new. I was captivated by the intrigue of a new relationship and I wanted to get to a certain place in our relationship fast as I felt it brought me security in the relationship or like I locked the future in. I failed horribly every time and what was worse was the guy backed away and I didn’t understand why. I found myself making up excuses as to why, by my instincts kept telling me that I was incorrect but I didn’t’ know why.

Even in my 40’s, I still love the rush of infatuation. There’s nothing like getting a text that says he looking forward to hearing my voice after a long day. My smile gets bigger every time he sporadically does something with my welfare in mind. Even better, I’m pleasantly taken aback at the level of fun we have daily.

I’ve made a lot of positive changes in my life and this was the most significant. I started to enjoy the now rather than looking ahead to the future. That’s not to say I don’t get excited about the next date, dinner, movie night, or weekend adventure. I still do, but what I refrain from doing is putting expectations of what the experience SHOULD look like in my head. I have quite an imagination that historically in the past has not served me well in this capacity. I enjoy every moment in the moment.

I have a friend of mine who is very good looking and attracts handsome men easily. With every fresh face, she’s instantly in a relationship. Several weeks go by and we have discussion after discussion about what he’s doing now, why she doesn’t hear from him in within an hour after talking to one another, her constant worry over whether it’s going to work out, if he’s ready for the next step, moving in together…and then it happens. She gets dumped, hard. She’s crushed and doesn’t understand why it happened and where it all fell apart. The last guy point-blank told her she was rushing him and she really struggled with that.

When you don’t rush the experience of knowing one another and falling into the bliss of being together, great things do happen. It takes confidence in yourself and patients. The bliss is greater, the road is longer, the possibilities are greater, and the infatuation is stronger. Combine this with the building blocks of a good relationship and the future is much brighter.

Brenda ~Bad Girl in Full~
Check out my line of jewelry at www.badgirlkine.com or follow me on Facebook (Bad Girl Kine), Twitter (BadGirlKine), and Pinterest

I want you to look close at the tattoo on my back, the butterfly, that exact one. There were three of us who went in that day to get our ink, three friends one of which has genital herpes. We got matching tattoos in solidarity of our friendship but differences in lifestyle and personal choice did not allow the relationships to endure. The friend with herpes became a swinger, aggressively active in her sexuality which I personally did not judge. My issue with her was in her choice of omission and her preference for unprotected sex. This particular woman is still single and has been for some years. She does not tell her partners about her virus and she has many of them….

You have no idea how hard it was for me to admit that I had unprotected sex recently, and publicly no less though my blog is a buffer of sorts because I don’t have to face the criticism directly. My friend Kim asked me straight to my face and I couldn’t be honest with her. I reverted into a lying adolescent, prepubescent in maturity. It was even worse when I called my doctor to request yet another STD screening. I was embarrassed to the point of being mortified when I made that call because I had just had a lengthy conversation with my physician about navigating the dating scene responsibly and I know better. I have always been proactive with my sexual health. I had a full screening two months ago directly after I had sex for the first time (protected) as a newly single woman. The only test I haven’t had yet is an HIV test because it takes six weeks for the virus to present in blood samples. My uncle died of AIDS and I would never wish a death like that on anyone. I went in to be tested immediately after having sex but my doctor and I decided to wait a full six months before running the HIV test because she said that by then the results should be conclusive, YES or NO……… LIFE or DEATH.

Sex is a risky venture which is why I had little use for it when I was younger. It was toxic in my mind down to the morbid introduction I had at seven years of age. Sex ed years later was the nail in the coffin for my sexual identity. I wanted nothing to do with that nasty business. The images they presented us in class were grotesque, genitalia oozing puss filled blisters and cauliflower growth. “No thank you, I will keep my legs closed.”

I have and will be writing about SEX in great detail on my blog and eventual book. I intend to do so candidly but I do believe that sex is a private and intimate matter. I will say it again, my blog is not a diary. It is a collection of lessons learned and documentary of my journey toward HEALTH. It is not my intention to air my life explicitly for voyeuristic gratification. I am generally reserved publicly in regards to sex though my appetite for comedy blurs the line quite frequently in conversation with close friends. My sexual health, the dysfunction of it (we rarely had it), is one of the many reasons my first marriage did not survive and so there will be an entire chapter in my book about the subject.

“Not tonight Honey, I have a headache. SEX IS A HEADACHE”

Today I am peeing into a cup so that I can be tested and cleared AGAIN and then I am going to go get my birth control filled even though I do not have anyone in line to have sex with. My health- My responsibility.

The Life Your Live Is a CHOICE- Be Staunch, Walk Tall.

There is always another side- HIS. My male readers have already chimed in...

"Amber, That was such an interesting post. I have a friend who is HIV positive and he is very open about his status. Despite this he has had many, many girls (like more than 10 just this year alone) who are fine having sex with him as long as they use a condom..."

If you would like to read more on this thread please visit my blog.

The adventures of RUBBER, my yellow cock (Google It)

So here’s the thing about being newly single after fifteen years of marriage, nothing has changed. I honestly thought that dating would be different now that we are all “growed up” but I was wrong and now I am grounded. No more Italian stallions for me, my friend Kim cut me off with a lecture and a badgering inquiry about whether or not I used protection after my very casual encounter on a first date. “YES!!! Of course I used protection- DUH. Do I look stupid to you??” I totally lied because yes, I was stupid. I didn’t want to cover it up because quite frankly his penis (OH MY GOD) was too beautiful to hide and damn I hate condoms. I haven’t had a use for them in over a decade which is one of the many reasons I LOVED BEING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!

I am single…

There are days that my new status makes me violently sad because the truth is that I am the kind of girl that should be married. I am hopeless romantic, devoted, honest, kind, faithful…

I love my ex-husband and I always will though my love for him has changed. I had to let him go so he can get laid and I can be happy. We were “The Notebook” before the story was ever written. It took me four years and countless letters (nearly 365, one for everyday he was deployed over seas) until he could believe that I would do right by him. I think that men are even more fragile than women. They just can’t express it so they make the walls higher. Ricardo kept himself in a fortress, Fort FUCKING Knox, and I would have left his ass in the dirt for how crappy he was to me in the beginning if I hadn’t loved him so severely. I knew why he was a dog, I could smell like a bitch in heat. He was tired of being hurt and he needed to be strong- I AM A MAN!!!!

Keeping a man is exhausting. I got tired, “I QUIT, ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, but that does not mean I want to be fucked for the rest of my life. I worked my ass off for LOVE and all it takes to make it last. Can’t I spend the next part of my life in reverse?? Does it really need to be that hard? Can’t he be on top because I am ready to submit… partially.

My friend Kim told me I need to slow down because she knows me and she is worried that I am going to get hurt. She knows my heart just as I do and I am not meant to play the game. This world will eat me alive if I let it- there is no room for romance in this modern world, everyone moves too fast. I AM A ROMANTIC AND JULIET DIED FOR A REASON. I should stay locked in my tower until my prince comes…

except….

Men are LAZY, too lazy to climb towers, and the ones that aren’t are BUSY, too busy to climb towers.

I don’t want my vagina to grow cobwebs because I have needs too!!!!!! I am in my sexual prime and I do not want to waste it, nor do I want to be a slut. Kim and I made a bet,

“What do want Amber…??”

“I am already dating millionaires with no gratification. I WANT LOVE. I want to spend my time DOING THE THINGS I LOVE…. I want to fly to New Zealand to jump out of an airplane to honor my dead friend. That’s what I want.”

“GOOD!!! DO THAT!!” she said exuberantly.

SO IT WILL BE. I will not go on another date until October 1, 2012 UNLESS it is to New Zealand to go skydiving. NO EXCEPTIONS.

In the meantime I need to get a passport and I have two books to read, “The Death and Life of Great American Cities” by Jane Jacobs, and “The MANual” by Steve Santagati. A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate….

That should keep me out of trouble for a minute….

There is always another side- HIS. My fans, my male readers, have already chimed in.

"Hello Amber,

Your friend Kim seems like a smart woman.

Moral of the story is stop dating boys expecting them to act like men. And reading a book about men by a “self professed bad boy” will only help you if you date “bad boys”. Stop dating boys. Oh and stop expecting books to tell you what all guys are like. Just ask them. If they can’t tell you then either you don’t want to know or they are boys.

Continued on my blog-

The adventures of RUBBER, my yellow cock (Google it)

While I was walking through Boston Commons on a recent Saturday night, I started thinking about posture, poise, and grace. This thought was motivated by the large number of women I witnessed walking with their toes pointed outward v.s. straight ahead! The more I looked down, the more angled feet I saw! Then I took some time to observe how protruding angular feet impacted a woman’s strut (note: I said strut, not glide or walk)…not pretty.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered the woman I passed in an office building a few weeks ago in Washington DC. She was an extremely attractive, slender drink of water. She had it all: great style, perfect hair, perfect make up, an incredibly great figure, and it was abundantly clear that appearance was something she prided herself on.

And then…I saw her walk. I couldn’t believe it! Duck feet! She TROMPED down the hall in her designer Jimmy Choos. With every step she took, she had a hard bounce and swaggered from side to side that reminded me of the opening credits of the 60’s show The Monkees. Albeit she was walking quickly, but that did nothing to prevent the obvious protrusion of her feet to the 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock positions respectfully. It was, sadly, a gross misfire of grace, poise, and sexuality all in one moment.

Quickly I glanced down to check and see if I needed to correct my own podiatry gaffe and thankfully had all toes forward. However, my observations made me realize on a large scale that we have sacrificed grace for comfort and no longer are standing straight or moving as devilishly female as we could.

Ladies, next time you put one foot in front of the other, look down to confirm that all point north.

Brenda ~Bad Girl in Full~
Check out my line of jewelry at www.badgirlkine.com or follow me on Facebook, Twitter (BadGirlKine), and Pinterest

Ok,I was out at the Calgary Stampede (that's in Canada for those of you who don't know, biggest party going!! With sexy cowboys to boot...doesnt get much better!!) with my siblings (because they are pretty much the coolest people on the planet to party with!) I got to do some hiking and reflecting and observing of passers by - so it seems that there is some confusion about this whole who should pay on dates. First let me say, I understand the confusion! We have entered into completely foreign territory where women actually have means to cover the bill, which considering history is very much a recent occurrence!

If you want the simple answer without reading the whole article - here it is... MEN should ALWAYS pay, and WOMEN should never reach for your wallet, or offer, in fact - don't even bring it in!

Men- this is NOT a bad thing for you, in fact its a good thing.

Now, if your all offended and worried about my answer (1- I'm probably not talking to you, and 2- don't get your panties in a bunch, just read on, it will all become clear!)

Men - I know its a confusing world out there, with some women wanting to be independent, and some wanting to be treated like a lady, wouldn't it just be easier if we had signs painted on our heads as to which kind of girl we are?? And all you really want to do is win her affection, and make her happy.... I get it!

Women - This works out for you, not because it costs you less, but because natural order is preserved when a man pursues a woman. Ultimately we should have the choice as to which suitor we choose, and our only job is to learn to lure them, many of them, so that we have more to choose from! Given how men are biologically built, and how women are biologically built - it only makes sense. (the downfall comes when women don't recognize this and fail to take care of themselves, and learn the art of luring... different blog post).

Moving on...

Men - simply put, if you are honest with yourself about the kind of woman you want, you likely want an ACTUAL woman, not a man with a vagina, the kind of woman who has a bigger ego than you, who has got it "all figured out" you want to be able to be a contribution in her life, and actually feel like a necessary part of her life as opposed to just a nice body pillow to cuddle up to at night? - Am I wrong?

So here is the theory - but don't take my word for it... seriously test it out!!! You never actually KNOW something until you've done it.

Advice: Men should ALWAYS take the bill, never let her see it, ALWAYS offer to pay, even if she reaches for her wallet, even ordering coffee - of course let her order her preference, but use your body language to indicate that your paying for it, aka stand in FRONT of the till, and say "and whatever she would like as well". And the test is... if she puts up a fuss about paying or wants to go dutch - RUN! I guarantee you, her wanting to pay now, will manifest into her telling you exactly where to go and how fast to get there (or how to scrub the floor), or how to wear your clothes, or how to take out the garbage, or how you don't make enough money, or how you cant have the boys over for poker night etc etc... shall I go on, you get the idea!

I'm not sure what it is, but the sign of a woman who has confidence and allows a man to take care of her is a sign that she doesn't make it mean anything about her worth - or lack of worth if a man pays for her, it doesn't mean she is less than him. Women who insist on paying usually have something to prove - if you want to stick around to find out (which can be fun too) that's your deal, but consider yourself warned!

Women - Here is how it is for you, if you truly want to be a "bad girl" aka as Steve so wittingly puts it "The Black Widow" and have your pick of the lot... learn the art of luring, and if you find a man is letting you pay or leaving you stuck with the bill, you might want to consider your own thoughts and beliefs about yourself. If you truly believe you are worth it - there is just not even a discussion, you will start to attract the men who will want to care for you - now all YOU need to do is decide what taking care of you looks like!! (sometimes you gotta fake it till you make it, but you'll know when the shift happens, where it just become automatic, however this does not come without reflection and looking at yourself)

I use the scenario of paying for dates because in this day and age - that's the language we speak, 100 years ago, it would have been he would have hunted and killed a bear for you (but now everyone and their Grandma is vegetarian, so that didn't seem to fitting).

Over all, Men - pay for your women, if you cant afford it - sort it out and figure out a way. Or take her to a place that is within your budget until you can afford it.

Women - your only job is to be awesome, and lure men, as many men as you can. Believe you are worth it and have a SHIT TON of fun doing it! Take care of yourself, love yourself, because you can only be loved and accept love as much as you love yourself... think about it...Also THANK HIM for it after, flirtatious eyes, seriously - we have tons of tools at our disposal, if you really think about it, its pretty awesome being a woman!!!

Until next time - stay "bad" and learn the rules of the game - because it IS a game no matter which way you slice it!!

Sincerely yours,
The Farmers Daughter

picture is me in Johnson's Canyon! Calgary, Alberta, Canada)

I realized that after two years of working hard, maintaining a grueling schedule, working a full time job, starting a new jewelry line, working on my MBA, dating, talking care of my dogs, taking care of friends, socializing, taking care of my family during trying times, neglecting my house and yard, and reconnecting with long distance family…I had enough of the intensity that was non-stop and my life was beating me down. I was done, cooked, and pigeon-holing myself into a non-productive train of thought. I was starting to defeat my Bad Girl within by seeing the world through very dark grey lenses. Although I regularly carry a very positive energy with me at all times, I started to notice that everything I was saying was sounding critical, opinionated, and nit-picky. It was like my filter was totally clogged and I heard myself saying things that I wouldn’t normally say. I was frustrated and in a funk. I was in need of a reset...badly.

From time to time, you need to hit your reset button. This means leaving your life behind to go do something for a short period of time (like a few days, because an hour to go shopping or lunching with friends really isn’t enough) that opens your awareness to different and new experiences. Step out of your normal routine and go routine-less, and just experience the day. DON’T plan your activities. Get out of the hotel room, house, or wherever you are staying and just let the day happen. If you don’t know where to start, take a map and throw a dart at it and go where it lands. When you let life happen, amazing experiences begin to appear before you.

During my trip, one day I was surrounded by conversations about what we put out in life, how life responds, and what it brings back to you. Amazingly, these conversations took place with different people at different times of the day, in totally different locations, and neither individual had contact with each other or were in the same place at the same time. The world was talking to me, it got my attention (not too mention I actually found a message in a bottle while walking along the beach). I was open to the thoughts and ideas being shared which provided a refreshed insight to an already positive mental discipline. Life responded to me in ways that were wonderful and unexpected.

Hitting your reset button goes way beyond a vacation and engaging in different activities. It means stepping out of your normal conversations, being silent, and listening to what the universe is telling you. If you listen, and let life lead you in dancing to the music that it plays, you line yourself up to experience a shift. IF you are REALLY open to what the world has to offer, you WILL experience an amazing healthy reset.

So what’s the benefit and how does this help you be a BBFF or BGFF? Coming back to your life with an enlightened perception of the world, free from negativity and criticism, gives you the clarity you need to move forward in your relationships. Believe me, people around you get to experience this amazing positive person that is full of life who is glowing…and THAT also does wonders for your love life! People in general, but men in specific, can’t help but notice it and want to be around this bright shining person that is in front of them. You attract what men seek…a woman who has it together; the foundation of a Bad Girl.

Happiness is contagious like a deep full belly laugh. What Bad Boy or Bad Girl wants to be around someone who is dumpy and funky? A positively reset state of mind opens you to opportunities you wouldn’t experience when you are below par, especially if your dance partner is life itself…because the music is beautiful, so shake it up!

Brenda ~Bad Girl in Full~
Check out my line of jewelry at www.badgirlkine.com or follow me on Facebook, Twitter (BadGirlKine), and Pinterest

Being immediately disconnected from a person or a relationship makes you feel stifled, especially if someone has made an assumption against you or your actions, or you have been accused of doing something that you haven’t. It’s especially hurtful when it comes from someone you are interested in or care about.

In a world where there are no longer rules to dating, there is one universal truth to humans, and that is we conjure up assumptions. In the absence of information, we make stuff up; especially when we are engaged in a relationship with someone special. We do this in every level of the relationship; beginning, middle, and end. When we don’t hear from someone, we formulate a story as to why: Was it something I said? Is he’s cheating on me? Is he lying in a ditch somewhere? OMG he’s going to break up with me! It will not only literally drive you insane, but the other person picks up on this as well and you may not be able to successfully hide your insecurity.

Freedom from that insanity is to first recognize, in the moment, that you created a reason or a story about something without fully knowing the details. What is truly powerful, and gives you an edge as a BBFF or BGFF, is realizing that hanging on to it with the full belief that it is true could potentially create a problem. So let it go and read on.

Ladies we have a strong sense of empathy, Steve calls it intuition. Whatever it is you want to call it, that same dead-on-balls accurate feeling we get can get clouded when our emotions are involved and we lose sight of objectivity. Realize that you are in danger of going down that road and stop it. Stop it immediately. Free your mind of assumptions, realize that you have the ability to seek the truth, have the patients to see it through and be objective in looking at the situation before making a judgment.

If there is anything that holds true in life, it is the reality that if you step back and not immediately react to a situation, the truth will present itself. That is especially true when dealing with people. Knee-jerk responses will get you nowhere, except deeper into conflict. BBFF and BGFFs are especially good at observing behavior and then reacting to it at the right time. Sometimes, yes, we instigate a situation for our benefit, but we excel at learning about people, understanding how the opposite sex reacts, and then making the best move that puts us “first”. Time will always reveal the truth, or the facts, if you have the patience to wait for it.

Once you have taken about 12 deep breaths and have honestly taken the time to look at your situation from multiple angles, it’s time to speak your mind. Ally what you’ve learned about being bad. BBFF and BGFF will never apologize for who they are. Know what you need to say and say it. Be clear and be straight, but most importantly say it with integrity, don’t make unwarranted accusations.

Having your say means being able to directly, with confidence, and in many cases with hard core, indisputable evidence, voice your position and not back down. You are able to speak your mind, and skilled BBFF and BGFFs do not get sucked into inane details or circumstantial facts that have nothing to do with the center of the problem or that doesn’t relate directly to the situation at hand.

Sometimes you may run into a situation where you will never be able to have your say. Refer to the absence of information truth and accept that at that moment in life, your stance will not be heard…then move on. There is a lot more to life than always having the ability to speak your mind, and in some cases, walking away from conflict or hidden agendas is a stronger statement than actually making one.

Brenda ~Bad Girl in Full~
Check out my line of jewelry at www.badgirlkine.com or follow me on Facebook, Twitter (BadGirlKine), and Pinterest

It was an awkward time in our home. I had just returned home as an adult. I was freshly divorced, nursing a broken heart and learning anew about dating. My middle sister was in teenage love with a boy who would rather be “friends with benefits” and was in tears at our kitchen table. And our baby sister was in the agony of a first crush and convinced the boy discovering her crush would be the end of the world. My step-father was faced with a parenting catastrophe. Three distraught and emotional daughters at his kitchen table.

This was not the first triple daughter emotional melt-down my step-father was to face nor would it be the last. But, it was the day he instilled in each of us a sense of humor filled empowerment. And it is a day that has continued to strengthen each of us throughout the years.

My step-father, clever man that he is, knew that the answer to his dilemma was to teach us that no matter how awkward or shy we might feel boys would always like us and that ultimately we held all the power if we’d only take it. Boys were a dime a dozen but we were special. His challenge was to overcome socialization by the media, mean girl gossip, and years of cruel childhood teasing. In other words, he had to destroy the typical gauntlet of insecurity that most girls are thrown through. This was something he had confronted before through lectures and talks about our strengths and the ridiculousness of boys. But, somehow these logical lectures had never made much impact on any of his daughters.

That night inspiration hit and he discovered the answer. The answer was humor and naughty language our mom did not approve of. I remember clearly sitting at the table with my sisters and my step-dad when he began his typical “you are too good to cry over boys” speech. Except this time it was different. A moment of quiet thought and then he looked up. “You have a vagina.” My sisters and I looked at each other in confusion. This was true. The youngest of us might not have boobs yet but all three of us did have vaginas. For once he had our attention. “Boys want that. But they don’t have a vagina. You have a vagina. Access to the vagina is up to you. You have the power. You have the vagina.”

Something in that simple statement clicked for each of us. Me, the adult child venturing timidly back into the dating world. I had the vagina! Why should I be scared? They had to win me over! My middle sister and her boy who wanted benefits and no commitment. She had the vagina and if he didn’t respect her he couldn’t have access! And my baby sister who had developed her first crush and was terrified to let him ever find out. She had the vagina! Of course he would like her! He should fear her!

“I have a vagina!” we each gleefully shouted at the top of our lungs much to our mom’s embarrassment. This was to be the first day we began our tradition of randomly shouting that which became a mantra of empowerment, a war cry, and a demand to always receive the best for each of us. That was the day we truly realized being female was not an obstacle to overcome or a challenge. It was power and superiority. It was confidence. We had something that every boy would be chasing us to get at through the end of time and we were taught to use it as a source of strength.

My sisters and I did not begin life filled with this confidence and sense of power. These things are learned and reinforced over time. And that night was the beginning of our learning process.

We ended the night baking cookies in the shapes of vaginas and breasts (and even one or two penis cookies just because we could) and continued randomly shouting “I HAVE A VAGINA!” throughout the entire night. And our tears, our worries, and our stress were gone. Instead they were replaced with giggles, energy, and confidence.

And my step-dad was right. I do have a vagina! And I have the power! We all do if we can only see it.